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13 Security & Police Jokes so Funny They Should be Outlawed!

We love and respect the men and women in blue. Our police, security guards, and other law enforcement officers are everyday heroes who protect and serve us with honor and selflessness.

But truth be told many in law enforcement tend to lose their sense of humor, dealing with such a serious job.

Luckily, we have this awesome list of police and security guard jokes, sure to bring some smiles back to the overzealous officers out there dealing with the riffraff every day.

Traffic Stop Cop Jokes

Q:  What did the officer give the driver for their 4th speeding ticket?
A:  A bicycle!

The other day I get pulled over by a cop for speeding. He came up to my car window and said, “Papers!”
I immediately yelled, “Scissors, I win!” and sped off!
Seconds later he caught up to me, lights and sirens blasting. I don’t think he got my joke.

I was pulled over and asked by the police officer, “Any drugs or alcohol?”
I kindly responded, “No thanks, I have enough in the car already.”

I was stopped by a cop who told me my eyes looked red and asked if I had been smoking weed.
I said, “No, I haven’t. But your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

Security Guard Jokes

Q:  What do you call a security guard in bed?
A:  Undercover!

My boss told me to watch the office while he was traveling.
He’s been gone two days and I’m already on season 6!

Q:  What security guard job is always in high demand?
A:  Cemetery watchmen. Because people are always dying to get in!

Q:  Why does someone become a security guard when they don’t have enough time on their hands?
A:  Because they want to become a watchman!

Q:  What do you call a security guard at a toothpaste factory?
A:  A Colgate keeper!

Q:  What did the mall security guard do to the shoplifter who tried to run away?
A:  What happens next may shock you!

Q:  What did the airport security guard say to the athlete when he found IcyHot in his luggage?
A:  I’ve caught you packing heat!

Q:  What’s the coolest security guard job?
A:  A security officer at the Samsung factory, because you’d be a Guardian of the Galaxy!

Q:  What did the priest say to the security officer after the break-in?
A:  Nun taken!

Cop Jokes for the Road

Before you go, just remember, cops don’t like coffee and doughnut jokes
Unless you have some to share!

And finally, we need to say that all humor aside, cop jokes aren’t funny.
So please, give it arrest!

Paul Blart: Mall Cop ⁠— Obstacle Course Fail Scene

A classic scene from our all-time favorite security guard commedy!


Special Thanks to Security Guard Training Central

Ron Remington, director of, submitted these witty jokes about security and police officers. His website helps those wishing to get into law enforcement find security guard training and other criminal justice certifications. They also have a state by state guide with local requirements for training hours and both armed and unarmed certification.

If you have a list of great jokes you’d like to see featured on, submit them here.

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