The Ultimate List of Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts)

Chuck Norris jokes, or facts, as some call them, have been around for over 15 years. Their origins can be traced to the Something Awful forums. Originally the “facts” focused on Vin Diesel, but they changed their focus to Chuck Norris.  At the same time, Conan O’Brien began a series of Walker, Texas Ranger jokes on Late Night with Conan O’Brien, which soon inspired the onslaught of exaggerated Chuck Norris Facts.

So, without further ado, and in no particular order, here is the ultimate list of Chuck Norris Jokes.  Just watch out for the flying roundhouse kicks.

  1. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
  2. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  3. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  4. When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn’t try to survive. The zombies do.
  5. Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  6. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
  7. Chuck Norris is the only person who can punch a cyclops between the eye.
  8. Tom Brady can throw a football over 60 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Tom Brady even further.
  9. It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
  10. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
  11. Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver… and wins.
  12. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
  13. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  14. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not “attempt” murder.
  15. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  16. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
  17. Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
  18. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What the hell was that?”
  19. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
  20. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle – you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
  21. Faster than a speeding bullet… More powerful than a locomotive… Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… These are some of Chuck Norris’s warm-up exercises.
  22. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  23. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
  24. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
  25. Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
  26. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
  27. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger. By yelling “Bang!”
  28. The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  29. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse kick you in the face.
  30. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game but was removed by beta testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this glitch, Norris replied “That’s no glitch.”
  31. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  32. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
  33. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
  34. A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  35. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes. He disembowels them.
  36. Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
  37. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
  38. Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
  39. Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
  40. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. A suicide.
  41. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

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